Sunday, January 28, 2007

The Passion of the Bee Boy

Greetings, Again With the Comics readers, I’m Bee Boy, and I’ll be guest hosting this blog while your regular host is recovering from a series of severely painful insect bites…of some sort. I recently read the disturbing saga of Lana Lang, Insect Queen, and thought you people deserved to know the forgotten chapter of the Insect Queen story, as well as the story of LYING BASTARD Superboy’s greatest betrayal! Or should I say... BEE-trayal!

But I’m getting ahead of myself. I wasn't always a Bee Boy – I used to be a normal kid named Kim, living in Africa with my dad, a jungle guide! Dad had a broken leg when Professor Lang and his daughter Lana showed up needing a guide to the Lost Pyramid. I volunteered to take them – NOT one of my brighter moves, as it turned out, and away we went. I found out later that Superboy flew them to Africa on a platform, then returned to America. I guess if you’re a pretty redhead, mister high-and mighty can make time to be your personal intercontinental taxi service, but if you’re a poor, freakish bee-bodied misfit, you’re shit out of luck.

Er, back to my tale: Lana was so beautiful, and her hair smelled so pretty that I kind of got us lost and didn’t even notice the storm clouds rolling in. Before you know it, we were caught in a downpour. That’s when beautiful Lana turned into the Insect Queen:

I was pretty freaked out, to be honest. A sight like that might have been enough to turn me off girls right then and there, but human sexual orientation was about to become a non-issue, in the worst possible way! Wouldn't you know it, right after Lana mentions that she doesn't think she can turn into an ant lion twice:

How convenient! So this little pink creep has been following Lana around "to check on you"! I'll bet he's "checking" on her! Little peeping tom bastard! Oh, Lana, can't you see how badly they treat you? Why won't you love me?

(Choke...) Anyway, Lana turns into a cicada-girl, and chases the natives away, but not before I catch an arrow in the lungs. Doctor Lang couldn't be bothered to take me into the city: "Hmm... the jungle bio-lab of my friend, Dr. Pelham is only a few miles that way!" I'll never forget those words. Did I mention I was never paid for any of this? DAMN YOU DADDY!

Once in Doctor Pelham's "hospital", he wasted no time testing his crackpot bee theories on me:

I flew off, and Lana came after me, trying to tell me how great it is to be a freak. Easy for her to say! She tried to cheer me up by showing how we could do the old "sober up the drunk" trick with our insect powers:

But nothing helped. I'll admit it, I fell for Lana hard. What do you want from me? I mistook her pity for love, and I got carried away:

Eventually, Lana had to contact Superboy to rescue me from those hunters. Of course , as soon as pretty boy showed up, it was all over for me and Lana:

Then, something wonderful happened - Lana lost her memory and came to live with me in my giant honeycomb! It was a beautiful dream come true, or as beautiful as a dream involving freakish insect-human hybrids can be:

But it was another lie! Another lie from a lying liar who lies!! With nothing left to lose, I decided to go out on a suicide run:

But I couldn't even get that right! Super-Jerk had a good laugh. How I hate him. How I hate me.

So, Superboy obviously came back later, cured me, and I’m now living happily ever after, right? WRONG. There was no antidote, I had no hope. Superboy never came back. Some big hero! Lana never came back either - I tried giving her a "buzz" on the phone, but she never returned my calls.

ZZZZZZ!!! Those sons of bitches at DC won't return my calls these days, either. I mean, if I'm not going to be cured, can I at least get some work? DC's bringing back everyone else these days, so why not me? I keep trying to tell them, I'm ripe for a comeback in these emotionally conflicted times! I can be dark and troubled! I was "emo" long before that was even a word! It juzzzzt makezzzz me ZZZZZZOOOOOO MAD...BBBZZZZZZZZZ!!!

...Easy, Kim, easy.
You're a BOY, not a bee...
You're a BOY, not a bee...
You're a BOY, not a bee.

Anyway, as you can see, I'm the victim here. Can't you find it in your heart to care about the fate of a little emo bee boy? I exhort you, Again With the Comics readers: Send your postcards and letters to DC COMICS, demanding my return!


LurkerWithout said...

He needs a time machine. Then he can date Insect Queen from the LSH time period...

Brian Hughes said...

Bee Boy can't love anyone until he learns to love Bee Boy.

Jim said...

I created the character Bee Boy when I was 10 years old and sent him along with 20 more characters to DC comics. They sent me a thank you letter stating that they used him in a Superboy comic and killed him off in the same issue. I never saw it until now... 42 years later.