Thursday, February 15, 2007

Green Lantern on a Hot Tin Roof

Who knew that idiot Green Lantern sidekick Doiby Dickles had a whole freakish family? I’ve never read All-American Comics #46, but that cover says it all: INBREEDING, INBREEDING, INBREEDING, baby!

Our cast of characters:

Colonel Dickles: Patriarch, tycoon, and tyrant, the Colonel is in denial about the changing South, his own imminent death from terminal cancer, and his disintegrating family home. Wants nothing more than to see niece Vara carry on the family name, inbreeding style!

Vara Dickles: The only man she ever loved is long gone, lynched by the Colonel’s men years ago. Now she must choose between cousins Doiby, Rafe, and Beefy. Who will give her a child? Who will keep the Dickles bloodline alive? Where are my GOD-DAMN twinkies?

Beefy Dickles: Constantly smells like hot dogs. Likes pixy sticks and kitty kats. Once he tried to make a baby with a lady, but he broke the lady and daddy had to put her in the ground and she went bye bye.

Rafe Dickles: Southern dandy, bon vivant, and “confirmed bachelor” Rafe wanders Dickles Manor saying things like “My laws it’s hot! This flower is wiltin’!” and “Honey, y’all have positively ruined my alcohol!” Not much help there for the bloodline situation.

Doiby Dickles: He can lie to daddy about his love for the Green Lantern, but he can’t lie to himself.

Green Lantern: Saddened at the decay of the old south, the deceit and underlying tension at Dickles manor, and his own lost dreams, Alan Scott plunges further into an abyss of alcoholism and melancholy. While drunk, Vera tries to seduce him, but to no avail. In his drunken despair he howls: “DOIBY! DDDOOOIIIIBBBBYYYYY!!!” Then he punches some guys.

Hop Harrigan: Is not in this story. He stands above it all, smiling the smile of a man who has not one drop of Dickles blood in his veins!

Plus, there’s a GHOST with a GUN. What’s his deal, anyway??

I don’t think I ever want to read this story–the one I’ve created in my head is so much better!


LurkerWithout said...

Doiby's true love is a space princess actually. Yeah, I'm surprised I remember that as well...

Brian Hughes said...

Princess Beardina of the planet D'Nial, maybe?

SallyP said...

I forget her name, but they get married, and everyone on the planet starts talking with a Jersy accent.

I kid you not. However, this story DOES look fascinating.

Brian Hughes said...

Let me clarify something: I know ALL TOO MUCH about comics, including Doiby's "princeress". Not that that's gonna stop me from making my smug little comments, of course.They live on her planet, where he's introduced hot dogs, baseball and Brooklyn accents to her people. He actually resurfaced recently as part of "Old Justice", but I'm not sure what that means to his marital status.


God help me.