Monday, March 05, 2007

A Gallery of Awful, Awful Spider-Man Toys

Toy Biz has cranked out wave after wave of Spider-Man merchandise over the years, but surely none as all-inclusively ridiculous as the Spider-Man Adventure Hero toy line. These insane action figures recast Spider-Man in "adventurous" careers, hobbies, and sports against all logic and common sense.

I can only assume Toy Biz had a bunch of surplus basic Spider-Man action figures, because they spent a few years burning off stock by dressing plain vanilla Spideys in ridiculous action outfits as part of the race to fill America's landfills. The results? Horror-larious.

Suddenly, good 'ol Spidey is a Basketball or Baseball player? It seems highly unlikely, since Spider-Man's traditional anonymity prevents his employment in a number of professions, professional sports among them. Not to mention, when is Spidey supposed to fit all this sporting and adventuring into his hectic troubled life? Egregious and illogical as they are, these things exist. Here, for your amusement and disbelief, are just a few:

Beach Spider-Man seems to be having a gay time cavorting in the surf, doesn't he? Yes, a merry, happy, gay time indeed.

With all due respect to America's firefighters? This is fucking insane. On the plus side, it looks like Firefighter Spider-Man is about to douse Overalls-Only Firefighter Spider-Man. Haw haw!

Could this be the nuttiest action figure ever? Fisherman Spidey has his own custom waders and big floppy fishing hat for those lazy days down at the 'ol fishin' hole.

I never knew eyes could feel nauseous until I saw Soccer Spidey and his muy caliente short shorts. Now I wanna see the "Drunken Soccer Hooligan Spider-Man" that completes the set.

Oh Spidey, a Red Belt is only, like, a sixth-level karate fucking dork.

This Scooter Riding Spider-Man looks shifty and untrustworthy. I think he may be one of those druggies.

I hate to admit it, but I kinda dig "Airboarding Spider-Man". It's the gas mask - makes him look like a cross between Spidey and the Golden Age Sandman.

This Spidey looks like he's all set to board the short bus. He's even got a tiny widdle bib on for lunchies!

And there were even more! Astronaut, Safari hunter, Ninja, In line Skater, and Tennis Player are a few of the many, loony hats our favorite webslinger has worn, if you buy the Spider-Man Adventure Hero premise. A wacky and mockery-worthy toy line, if ever I've seen one.


Spencer Carnage said...

Is there a Spider-man's Web MD? Man, kids must LOVE to play with that one.

Jason said...

The legs on Soccer Player Spidey are freaking me out. Also, what kind of crazy misfit-toymaker do you have to be to combine Spidey, a hazmat suit and a snowboard? A child-hating one I say.

Harvey Jerkwater said...

Fisherman Spidey casts his line...


And bass. Striped bass.

MRCarter said...

A few years ago my friends got me the Rock Climbing Spider-Man.
Cause there's nothing Spidey needs more than a rock-climbing harness and rock-climbing ropes!
I traded it in for Aquaman with Scuba gear!

The I.M. Times said...

Those are very weird.

Anonymous said...

These toys: because nothing is more badass than Spiderman on a scooter

Les Récuser de Réflexion said...

The last one looks like buzz lightyear spiderman...which just sounds weird after you've said it.