Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Insane Dollar Store Spider-Man Coloring Book

Okay, if you thought Again With the Comics was insipid before, get set for a whole new low: tonight the object of scorn will be played by a children's coloring book. As the father of a five-year old, I see lots of toys, storybooks, clothing, coloring books, and other kid's merchandise emblazoned with Spider-Man, Batman, and other Marvel and DC characters. I hate to say it, but Marvel's licensed product is almost always a notch or five below DC's in terms of quality, durability and the artwork used. The worst of the worst Marvel products show up in dollar stores, where these Spider-Man toys probably ended up, and where we got this coloring book.

That said? this thing is fat-packed with insanity. About half of the 200 pages looks like it was drunkenly traced from comic book panels, with badly-drawn, over muscled Spidey, his villains, and activities. With so many pages to fill, the rest gets kinda weird.

I guess you have to give the coloring book hacker-outer some credit for creativity. He could have stuck in some more pictures of Spider-Man jumping around, but he opted instead to include pictures of people wearing various items of Spider-Man apparel, like this happy fellow:

Others, like this young lady, look suspiciously like they had their genesis in a Sears catalog:

I love this page. It is my favorite, on account of its sheer lunacy:
I mean...what the Hell is that?!? Hydro-Man looks altogether too happy to be getting a personalized photo of Aunt May. And...and who's giving him the photo? Is Aunt May targeted for death...or sweet, sweet hydro-lovin'? I am confused and frightened.


A few other pages are devoted to a series of mundane everyday items...with a Spider-Man on it! Like the lone arcade game...with a Spider-Man on it! A teddy bear sitting at the base of a tree...with a Spider-Man on it! And what child doesn't want to color a hand reaching for a key chain...with a Spider-Man on it!?

See, now they're just rippin' off other coloring books. Look out Life on the Farm Coloring've just been Spidey-fied!

There are several pages of regular bystander types being frightened by Spider-Man and/or spiders, including this one that may explain J. Jonah Jameson's aversion to Spider-Man:

Again, WTF, coloring book people? It's a bucolic Spider-Man still-life.

Strange and mystifying stuff. Further proof, if any were needed, that entrusting your child's education to a Dollar Store Spider-Man Coloring Book is not a good idea.


Anonymous said...

Totally in agreement with you on the licensing rights being handed over to certifiable idiots...I have 2 young kids: a 5 year old son hooked on anything with Spidey or Doc Ock, and a 4 y.o. daughter keen on Fantastic 4. So I pretty much have run the entire wheel with the super-products. Consider in addition to the dollar store coloring/activity books, the "action-packed" story books. Eight whole pages of Spider-Man protects the park from crime..with a scene of his loitering upside down above a playground like the world's strangest pedo-fetishist. Lines like, "You can always trust your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man" and a few more of those suspect drawings and somebody's looking to get himself arrested.

Anonymous said...


I wish someone had complete scans of one, there's a billion other pages that make me laugh fucking hard.

Kevin said...

LOL. My kids HAVE this coloring book!

I am 100% right there with you, bud!