Tuesday, July 31, 2007

How To Make Love the Ben Grimm Way?

WARNING: The following article discusses icky human genitalia in a frank and open manner. If you are uptight or easily offended, may we gently recommend any of the 230-plus other articles in our archives, most of which are pretty harmless. Offensiveness Alert is at ORANGE. As is the subject of our discourse.

Everybody loves the ever lovin' blue eyed Thing, but since the brutish rock-skinned superhero made his debut in Fantastic Four #1, one glaringly obvious question has never been answered: Does the Thing Have a "thing"? By thing, of course I mean a penis. Also known as pecker, schlong, schvance, rod, unit, love-muscle, johnson, dork, dingus, doodle, wang, hogleg, choad, and many, many other colorful sobriquets, the penis is a mighty important part of any fella's life, so of course the "is-he-or-is-he-aint" conundrum of the Thing is a riddle that has baffled comics scholars and inspired endless debate.

It is a question that is almost as stupid as it is disgusting - yet still we are compelled.

Lets look at what we know:
Benjamin Jacob Grimm was a normal physical specimen before the accident that changed him into the Thing. His transformation was a massive physical disruption at the cellular level, but he maintains a skeleton, musculature, and organs that have been shown to be roughly equivalent to human organs. His skin has become a thick hide of shifting, rock like plates, comparable to dinosaur hide in the early days. Most important to our discussion is what has become of his extremities. His nose has shrunken, become almost vestigial, his ears have disappeared, and his fingers and toes have fused into cracked, club like stumps.

This will, of course, never be addressed in any actual issue of Fantastic Four, but even at our most optimistic, we have to assume that Ben's entire body was transformed, and something happened to 'lil Ben. If it didn't disappear entirely (like his ears), it was presumably transformed into something incompatible with a human woman. Even if it's essentially the same, it would be, er, rocky, right? He was on equal terms with Ms. Marvel (She-Thing) but, we've also seen him with Alicia for years and a physical relationship has been implied, especially recently in the movies and comics. Of course, she is a sculptress. Marvel probably isn't ready to admit to having the world's first eunuch super-hero, so maybe with the Thing's increased media profile there's been a deliberate move towards emphasizing that he's all man, damn it.

Well, who knows how that works, but good for him! Maybe Reed Richards: Science Pervert whipped up a cosmic ray-powered marital aid for the pair. I'll leave you with that.

Again With the Comics: There is no bottom to this barrel.


Chawunky said...

Clearly, for the...region under discussion to be amenable to...interaction, it must be of the same suspiciously malleable rock that Ben's mouth area (as depicted in the above set of panels) is. Such flexibility would allow for Ben to let Alicia stay on top of things, as it were.

Heck, we can assume that Ben isn't causing mass contusions and compression fractures in the folks he's hustling out the door there, so there's got to be some room for maneuvering...

Captain Infinity said...

I figure he's got to have a li'l thing, otherwise why bother wearing his big, blue speedos?

Anonymous said...

Well, he is a man.
Had his Bar Mitzvah and every THING.
I kill me.
And if I don't, for that joke, someone else will

Anonymous said...

I can't believe I read this whole thread and nobody said 'rock hard' or 'boner'. Sometimes, I just loose my faith in people.

Anonymous said...

Um, this all depends on a belief that a sexual relationship necessarily involves penetration...