Friday, October 19, 2007

Doiby Dickles Has a Wrench!

At first, Green Lantern (a.k.a. Alan Scott) found having a sidekick fun enough, in it's cornpone, vaudevillian way. For whatever reason -Alan certainly couldn’t remember- it had become fashionable among the Mystery Man set to adopt a dimwit or a retard to liven up the whole "nightly patrol" routine. Was it Diana who had started with that roly-poly little doughball of hers? The Flash was stuck with three of them, for God's sake, who had quickly become more trouble than they were worth. He was lucky, though with Doiby. Ridiculous to look at, with an equally ridiculous accent, Doiby was relatively harmless, and even enjoyable, in his dim-witted, tough-talking blue-collar way. He at least made a tolerable drinking companion.

Alan was quite sure that Noddy, of Jay’s Three Dimwits, was some sort of pervert or fruit.

Then Doiby started up with the wrench. At first Green lantern enjoyed the fat man’s zany antics, but the little man became increasingly violent and inventive in his assaults, and Green Lantern knew that even criminals had the right to not be brutalized

The heavy, leaden pipe fitter’s wrench came down again.

THWOK - schtk!

This time, it came back wet with fresh blood. A small triangular piece of a man’s scalp, holding exactly seven black hairs was now dangling obscenely from the lower jaw of the tool.

Hearing the noise, Green Lantern turned from the three tough con-men he’d been fighting. In horror, he shouts: “Doiby! For God’s sake, STOP man! Can’t you see he’s had enough?”

Doiby Dickles: “Chee, Lantrin’, I guess I just got carried away. When I saw they was swindlin’ them old folks outta their war bonds, well, I just sawr red, I guess I did!


...Say! Youse ain’t one o’ them bleedin' hearts, is ya?”

Green Lantern knew that something had to be done. The crook died as GL flew him to the hospital, and Doiby was to be arrested for murder. Green Lantern knew that the fat, silly little man would find many very angry men with lumps and grudges waiting for him in prison. Prison would be hell for Doiby, that is if he didn’t get the chair

Green Lantern: "Doiby, I called you here to congratulate you and welcome you to the ranks of the Green Lantern Society. We have a Green Lantern from Mars, Venus, Pluto, and all the rest of the planets. Now with you, Earth has two Green Lanterns! We're going to have a big induction ceremony and an honorary feast for you in our Green Lantern Palace on the Moon! That is, if you want the job...?"

Doiby: (Blubbering) Ch-chee...Chee, mistah Lantrin' I ain't got de woids fer this... Yeah, I'll do it! I'll be Doiby Dickles: Green Lantrin' fer ya, from now on, pal!

...Can I brings me wrench?"

Green Lantern: (Sadly) "Of course you can, Doiby, Of course you can."

It had been the greatest day of Doiby's meager life, that final day. First the Green Lantern and Doiby fought some crooks, just like old times. Lantrin' didn't even say nothin' when Doiby cracked that kraut a good one with ol' wrenchy. Then it was off to the Moon for Doiby’s induction into the Green Lantern Society as Earth Green Lantrin' #2. During the Emerald Express train ride to the Moon, Green Lantrin' was real quiet, but Doiby was so excited he hardly noticed. A towering emerald city awaited them, a city that surprisingly looked like Doiby’s beloved Brooklyn, in its strange, futuristic way. It felt like home: warm, inviting, and so, so green. The other Green Lanterns were clapping him on the back now, welcoming him. If it struck his dim brain that something was wrong he took no action, and then they entered the banquet hall, where a lavish feast was being held in his honor, and all suspicions evaporated in hunger. As he ate the finest foods, and celebrated a new life, his joy was only marred by the cold. It was suddenly, rapidly getting cold. So cold. Couldn't they notice?, he thought.

So cold..that, and the bright, bright green light…brighter...

So bright cant breathe


On the surface of the moon, Green Lantern buried his friend and comedy relief. The tombstone is still up there, and it reads:

Doiby Dickles
Insane Simpleton With A Wrench


Moosenlawyer said...

Why does that scene from Goodfellas keep running through my head? The scene where Joe Pesci is excited about attending his initiation ceremony into the upper echelons of the mafia, but then when he walks into an empty room, and then realizes, a little too late, that it is a set up.

Brian Hughes said...

I'm ashamed to say I haven't seen that movie. I was thinking less of Goodfellas and more Of Mice and Men.

ABS said...

Yeah, I was reminded of Goodfellas as well, but probably only because I've not read Of Mice and Men.

SallyP said...

Lovely, just lovely.

SanctumSanctorumComix said...

Oh, If ONLY.

Nicely handled.


Ragtime said...

I'm pretty sure Doiby popped up again post-Crisis.

(searching . . . searching . . .)

Green Lantern #19 from 1991. I'm pretty sure he was the King of Brooklyn Planet, or something like that. The new G.L.'s picked him up to search for Alan Scott, whom they all suddenly remembered they hadn't seen in 45 years or something. They didn't find him.

I don't remember much else.

Ivan W. said...

Dunno if you ever read "Young Justice", but during the "Sins of Youth" company crossover event-thingy, Doiby dickles was actually a major player. Haven't heard from him since the event and YJ ended though.

Oh, and said event also brought back several other old school DC sidebacks. Check it out. The entire series was a great and funny read.