Thursday, October 04, 2007

Superman's New Uniform!

The Scene: A small TAILOR SHOP in downtown Metropolis. Its 4:55 PM, almost closing time, and the tailor is tidying up before leaving for the day. As he finishes in the back room, he’s startled by a loud gust of wind from outside:

Tailor: Sounds windy. I’d better get going before it starts to rain…

The door chime rings as a customer enters. The tailor pulls back the curtain separating the back of the store from the front, and stops, startled at the sight of SUPERMAN in his humble shop:

Superman: Hello, there – I hope you have time for one more customer…?

Tailor: Of…of course, mister Superman, sir! Plenty of time for the Man of Steel! Can I…er, how can I help you?

Superman: Please, just call me Superman. I came because I’m thinking of getting a new costume, and I hoped you could help me put it together.

Tailor: A new costume? Well, of course I’d be honored, but what’s wrong with your old one?

Superman: You know how I was sent from the doomed planet Krypton, right? And how I was raised by a human couple?

Tailor: Go on…

Superman: Well, my human parents gave me unconditional love, my sense of justice, and the moral foundation to protect all of humanity. My ma also designed and sewed this costume for me…and that’s where my problem lies.

You see, I hate this costume.

When we decided that I’d go to the city to begin my career as Superman, I designed my own costume. I spent days sketching and refining designs until I came up with the perfect super-suit. I loved the final design. I was all ready to get my ma to sew it for me, and do you know what happened? My ma (choke) had already put this...thing together for me. I couldn't bear to hurt her feelings by not wearing it, so I put it on, pretending to be happy, but I was crying on the inside. Since then, I’ve been wearing this out of respect for her, but I’ve always secretly yearned to wear my costume, you know?

Tailor: Well, you’re a good son.

Superman: Sadly, my ma (choke) passed away recently. All these powers, all the things I can do, and I couldn't save her. Now, I’m sad she’s gone of course, but it got me to thinking…

Tailor: …Ah! Now you can try your own look!

Superman: (chuckle) Exactly! First off, Blue and Red? Yecch. I was thinking more along the lines of yellow and purple; maybe with some green highlights to really make it pop!

Tailor: Those, ah, those colors don’t go together at all

Superman: No, no…it’ll look great! Really cool, right? Plus, I want to have a clear glass helmet. You have any clear glass helmets?

Tailor: (now visibly worried) I… I might be able to find something…but why?

Superman: Duh-uuhh! So I don’t drown, dummy! What if I go underwater and I suddenly lose my powers? What if I go to the moon, and there's like, a whole cache of gold Kryptonite? I need a glass helmet!

Tailor: Oh-kay! Anything else?

Superman: About my “S-shield”…it sucks. What is this thing? It looks like a baseball diamond with two fish swimming at each other! Do you have any idea how hard it is to burn this into a wall with heat vision? No, I was thinking more of just the word “SUPERMAN” across the chest, like my old friends in the Legion of Superheroes used to have. On a green background! Oh yeah, and I want a green belt too. Not just any belt, either; an anti-Kryptonite belt! A big one, with lots of storage for all my anti-Kryptonite stuff. You’d probably just better put a big green plate with the words “ANTI-KRYPTONITE BELT” on there, just so Luthor knows I’m not playing anymore.

Tailor: Well, I've got a green fanny pack that might work. And what about other accessories? D’you still want a cape?

Superman: Oh, definitely! How about a velour purple opera cloak? Oh, and gloves! I’ve never had gloves before; and could you add some sewn-in compartments for my Pixy Stix and Tootsie Rolls? Oh yeah, one last thing, how about some boot wings?

Tailor: Boot…wings?

Superman: You know, like the Flash has. Only bigger. Boot wings are so groovy.

Tailor: Okay, so far we’ve got: Yellow and purple unitard with fishbowl helmet, l’il yellow boot wings, velour lavender opera cloak, purple gloves with candy storage, and a fanny pack with a rodeo-grade lime-green anti-Kryptonite-labeled belt buckle. That's...that's a fashion holocaust in the making. Hey, why not add some hot pink fringe, or a crown, or a tartan kilt while you’re at it?

Superman: No, no…I don’t want to look like a weirdo.


Chawunky said...

Mostly I await Blockade Boy's reaction to this spectacle, but seriously, Supes--just because Cosmic Boy wore it once...

SallyP said...

Oh God, he's taking fashion advice from Cosmic Boy? Gah!

But seriously...I laughed so hard, I scared my dog.

Brian Hughes said...

Give the pore li'l critter a Milk Bone for me.

Actually, didn't Cosmic Boy have a clear glass helmet in his first appearance?

(checks; he did.)

Crap! I could've used that!

byrneward said...

"Superman's New Uniform"? When did he have an old uniform. If it looks like a costume and quacks like a costume, it's fancy dress.

The Mutt said...

I'd like to think that costume looks that hideous on purpose, but it's Curt Swan, so....