The Dreaded Porcupine: A Super-Villain You'll Never Forget!

So after naming the Porcupine a “turkey”, I decided to re-read his very first appearance in the pages of Tales to Astonish #48, and was mildly surprised to see that he actually had a pretty good thing going; aside from all the sucking, that is. With that in mind, let’s take a look at what-all the Porcupine can really do.

The saga of the Dreaded Porcupine began in the lab of Alex Gentry, genius engineer and spiked rodent enthusiast. Gentry has some interesting ideas about how the Army ought to be spending its money:

To be honest, I’ve heard worse ideas. Who wants to mess with a porcupine? Gentry took the porcupine’s defensive abilities a few steps beyond mere sharp quills, though, creating a multi-purpose battle suit with a fantastic, albeit highly improbable, array of weaponry:

Unfortunately, I have nothing whatsoever to do with purchasing combat suits for the Army, but if I did, I’d buy a few gross. Porcupine’s original armor not only allowed him to launch sharp quills (though it wasn't shown in this origin story, oddly enough), but was also packed with gas pellets, napalm, liquid cement, ammonia, and various other chemicals. The gas mask actually protected the wearer from his own weapons, all while looking wicked kewl.

Alex Gentry wouldn’t be a low-level scientist in a silver-age Marvel comic if he weren’t disgruntled, so here we see him bitterly choose the next most logical career: super-villainy! To be fair, he’s probably absolutely right about what he can expect from his employers, so, y’know, screw ‘em.

Here we find our prickly pal pulling off his very first bank heist. Acetylene torches are also built into this one man arsenal, and he burns through the lock while cloaked by a self-generated smoke screen:

The Porcupine suit also included jets…

...And strangely enough, fireworks:

Of course, when he finally came up against Ant-Man, he unveiled his ultimate weapon:

A bathtub of tepid water is more than a match for the fightin' formicidae, and Porcupine hauls ass on outta there, leaving him to drown.

The lameness of Ant-Man could take up a whole other post, but suffice it to say, his bones would be clogging Gentry’s drain to this day, if not for the Wasp. Ant-Man and the Wasp handed Porcupine his first defeat by dousing him with liquid cement, clogging his tubes, and sending him off to the first of many, many stays in prison. Later, he adopted a more modern, streamlined suit (pictured above) shortly before dying. He actually died saving Captain America’s life, and his armor was placed in a memorial case in Avengers Mansion. Which later blew up.

The Porcupine could actually be a pretty formidible villain, if the suit were used by someone more skilled than Alex Gentry. Another Porcupine is currently at large, last seen in Thunderbolts, and he may be a real badass for all I know. At least there's still a Porcupine in the Marvel Universe. Note the date on that piece, though. Like most characters, even this "turkey" has potential.

Crackdown at Scans Daily?

This is odd. Look over at Scans Daily for a moment. Once I reassure it that I am over 14 a few times, I see a solid Wall of "You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors." That's new. It also seems like the first three pages are strictly Marvel and DC stuff, with a few other relatively harmless posts throughout. That may be because a bunch of new comics just came out, though.I skimmed over the first five archived pages, and this Lara Croft comic is about the spiciest thing I saw. This sampling from The Crime Bible is the only item I see tagged "nsfw" in the first few pages, and that's a DC Comic. That NSFW tag still does lead to some pretty hair raising stuff, so I dunno. It might not for long. Something ill is brewing, for sure.

Sgt. Screamer's Battle Cry

I don’t own, nor have I ever read, any issues of Battle Cry, but I gots to say: I love that screaming head superimposed over the logo. Better yet, on a lot of these covers, the screaming disembodied head (we’ll call him Sgt. Screamer) looks like it is part of the overall composition.

This scene, for example, becomes 300% more entertaining when we assume that poor old Sarge was decapitated in the explosion and his severed head is about to land on that second mine in the foreground:

And here we see Pvt. Ike, America’s typical G.I. on a typical day, dislodging Sgt. Screamer’s head from a typical Red Chinese ass:

Here we see why it’s a bad idea to get in Pvt. Ike’s way when he starts swinging that rifle butt. The kid’s gonna have to peel a lot of potatoes to make up for that little faux pas:

Once again, the Sarge finds himself in the wrong place at the wrong time. But did Pvt. Ike throw a grenade, killing Sarge with friendly fire, or is he hurling severed heads packed with explosives? I know which answer I prefer.

Does “Oh my God, you fucking decapitated me, you moron!!” count as a "battle cry"? I think in this case it must.

A Beginner's Guide to the Bizarro World

All images from Tales of the Bizarro World; DC Comcs, 2000
Art by John Forte

Thanksgiving Turkeys: The Porcupine

I hate to do this, but in my heart of hearts, I know the truth. It pains me to admit it, but yes, the Porcupine was a huge, huge turkey of a super villain. Don't get me wrong: I love Alex Gentry and all his ilk; all the disgruntled engineers and scientists in comics who ever re-purposed their failed Army battle suit to name themselves after an animal and rob banks. Guys like the Porcupine, the Beetle and the the Leapfrog had the misfortune of naming themselves after lackluster, non-terrifying animals, eventually falling out of fashion in these leather clad days of cool and irony.

Porcupine started out an Ant-Man villain, but over time he got his ass handed to him by everyone from Spider-Man to Agatha Harkness. Eventually, he upgraded his armor to a sleeker model, but was still a perpetual punching bag. He actually went out heroically, saving Captain America from the Serpent Society and had his armor displayed in a place of honor in Avengers Mansion. There appears to be a new Porcupine on the loose, but he only appeared in the background in Thunderbolts awhile back, and hasn't been seen since. That I know of.

Thanksgiving Turkeys: Big Sir

Good lord, whose bright idea was it to introduce a mentally retarded super-villain? That's in questionable taste. You might say it's a real turkey of a concept. While comics lore is littered with childlike man-brutes, BIG SIR was the first that I'm aware of who was specifically mentally disabled. He was heralded as a major new addition to the Flash Rogues Gallery at about the same time the Flash was going through this interminable, implausible trial for, I dunno, murdering Professor Zoom I think? And yes, he is infuriated at the Flash over a dead mouse.

Poor 'ol Doofus P. Ratchet wasn't hurting anyone before the Flash's Rogues changed him into the hulking menace called Big Sir, and turned him loose on the Scarlet Speedster, whom he was deluded into thinking had harmed his beloved mouse. Big Sir was eventually cured of the condition that caused his disability -cured by science gorillas, of course- and turned out to be an erudite genius. He later reverted to his simpler state, and started hanging out with the Giffen-era Injustice League, among whom he seemed to fit in perfectly. Eventually, they were all unceremoniously slaughtered in a short-lived Suicide Squad relaunch. As far as I know, he's still dead.

Thanksgiving Turkeys: the Scarlet Beetle

Just like the fabled "little old ant" of song, The Scarlet Beetle keeps trying to move his own "rubber tree plant", which is to say, achieve total global domination. Marvel's answer to Mister Mind was transformed into a would be world-conqueror by their ever-reliable deus-ex-anything radiation. The Scarlet Beetle used his mastery of other insects to fight a succession of Marvel heroes, including Ant Man, Iron Man, Spider-Man, and the She Hulk. But his greatest enemy will always be the Orkin Man. The Scarlet Beetle may never take over world, but bless his little scarlet heart for trying.

Thanksgiving Turkeys: the Outsider

No, Metamorpho didn't come down with an extreme case of venereal warts, this is the Outsider, a little known Batman villain and the first in Again With the Comics' annual parade of Thanksgiving Turkeys; spotlighting the lamest of comics' many lame super villains.

The Outsider was the mastermind behind several attacks on Batman who was finally revealed to be none other than Bruce Wayne's trusted butler Alfred Pennyworth! Alfred had been killed off in a previous storyline, so to bring him back, they revealed him as the true identity of the lumpy, sheet-white oddball who had been bedeviling the Dynamic Duo for months. Batman subdued the purple-trunked perpetrator, and reverted him to Alfred, who remembered nothing of his criminal antics.

When I was a kid, I made up my own little Spider-Man comics. Most kids do this, and my son does it today. In one of these home grown stories, I had Aunt May get kidnapped by Doctor Jonas Harrow, who experimented on her and made her into a spider monster. I no longer have any of my childhood art, unfortunately, but picture an evil-looking, eyes-whited-out, spiky-clawed Aunt May with a spiders body and legs, and you get the general idea. That was a terrible idea, inappropriate to the character and fundamentally absurd. So, by the way, is making freakin' Alfred a super-villain! I was ten, DC, what's your excuse?

So yeah, for the sheer lunacy of giving Alfred Pennyworth an evil alter ego, the Outsider gets to be our first in this year's feast of turkey super villains! Come back tomorrow for more!

Stardust the Super Wizard Returns!

A short feature at Newsarama shows us some of the first pages from Mike Allred’s Stardust story, soon to be seen in Fantastic Comics #24, part of the Next Issue Project from Image. I think I’m more excited about this series of one-shots than I am about The Twelve and Superpowers, if only because NIP won’t be trying to present an epic saga, re-imagining, or deconstruction of the obscure Golden Age characters. Unlike those other two series, these will be treated as if they were indeed the next issues of long dormant comics, with eight-page shorts from some of the best talents in comics. Short and sweet and lotsa fun.

Forgotten Alan Moore: CHRONOCOPS!

Here’s another goodie from the archives. Alan Moore is well-known for his work on such complex, layered graphic novels as Watchmen and V for Vendetta, but before his long-form works, Moore worked on dozens of short science fiction stories for the long running U.K. weekly, 2000 A.D. Writing these “Time Twisters”, Moore perfected his method of manipulating the chronology of his stories and the structure of the story itself, tricks he would return to again and again in his career. His earliest work with Dave Gibbons, perhaps his finest collaborator, was on little throwaway vignettes like this. Gibbons clear line and detailed eye lent clarity to what could have been utterly baffling stories in lesser artistic hands. In “Chronocops!” we can see Moore’s nascent fascination with story structure and layered narrative complexity as event builds upon event to produce a tale that twists in and out of time. Note how the story begins and ends with a close-up of Joe Saturday, a visual hint that the narrative has doubled back on itself, with the hunter now the hunted, so to speak. All this in a simple 5 page story that reads like a Mad Magazine parody of Dragnet gone horribly awry. Enough telling; time for the show:

"CHRONOCOPS!"
Script: Alan Moore
Art: Dave Gibbons
Story scanned from The Complete Alan Moore Future Shocks, Rebellion, the Studio, 2006

Beavis and Butt-Head and the Marvel Universe

Well, apparently you people demand more Beavis and Butt-Head. See how generous, how benevolent, I am. Again With the Comics presents the remaining Marvel vignettes from Beavis and Butt-Head's Greatest Hits. As I've mentioned before in my Spider-Man and Devil Dinosaur entries, the Marvel pages were just part of a licensed Marvel comic that otherwise featured the usual B&B antics at school, Burger World, etc. Their take on Marvel favorites like the Silver Surfer were the comics' equivalent to the TV show's Rock videos:

Unsurprisingly, mid-90's Wolverine and Punisher are more their style:

Beavis and Butt-Head also loan their dimwitted Greek Chorus to the Fantastic Four, She-Hulk, Wonder Man, and the Man Thing:

Huh huh. Huh huh. That was cool. I thought I'd let Beavis and Butt-Head have the last word:

Beavis and Butt-Head and Devil Dinosaur

I don't know what I can possibly say to prepare you for this.

From Beavis and Butt Head's Greatest Hits (Marvel, 1994)

Beavis and Butt-Head and Spidey and MJ

Is it too early to be nostalgic for Beavis and Butt-Head? From straight outta 1994, we have this selection from Beavis and Butt-Head's Greatest Hits, a collection of the licensed Marvel series. The whole conceit of the B&B comic was to have stories with the boys doing the same sort of things they did on TV, but instead of watching rock videos, they read and commented on Marvel Comics, focusing on, well, the sort of thing you’d expect to see them focus on:

Myyyy goodness. Here we get a reminder of what a hot commodity Mary Jane was for Marvel at the time. Todd McFarlane soared to success on Amazing Spider-Man partly on his penchant for drawing the newly wed Mary Jane lounging around in frilly undergarments all the time and Marvel has kept "sexy MJ" merchandise readily available since. Remember that laundry statue everyone was all bent outta shape about awhile ago? Yeah. The point being, the dimwitted duo could have easily seen this sort of thing in any random Spidey comic at the time, albeit not nearly as well drawn. God bless you, John Romita, Sr.

Then we get a hefty dose of Spider-man vs Venom vs Carnage, with a whiff of that whole father/son/weird uncle thing they had going on at the time. The symbiotes were being heavily flogged at the time, so this is another glimpse at the state of Marvel circa 1994:

Heh heh. The Beavis and Butt-Head comics are actually pretty funny. Rick Parker drew and wrote them with Marvel artists completing the Comic-within-a-comic pages. Sadly, you haven't heard the last of it from me.

Jigsaw Puzzled (Part 2)

Read Part 1 first, in which astronaut Col. Gary Jason is rebuilt as Jigsaw after being mangled and reassembled by alien freaks whom he immediately trusts and befriends.

Jigsaw returns to Earth, but the the Air Force crew sent to retrieve his capsule freaks out when he emerges with telescoping limbs and hijacks their copter while they trippin'. After landing, he goes to meet his fiancee, Betty, taking her for a drive to explain his new freakish condition. And you know, I always find it best to deliver traumatic news while driving straight toward a speeding train at top speed. Call me sentimental, that's just my way.

SUDDENLY!!!

Yes, its that hoariest of silver age comic book threats, escaped circus animals. Between circuses and zoos, older comics were rife with wild animals on the loose. Made for a good way to demonstrate the heroes' powers and pad out a few pages, you see.

Jigsaw rounds up the critters, and Betty, being a typical hysterical female, reacts predictably:

Then, Jigsaw just kind of walks off. He gets all of one panel to mope to himself, when suddenly, Si-Krell calls Jigsaw back to the Moon. Seems there's trouble headed for Earth, and only Jigsaw can help:

So there's these invaders called the Pulots -and seriously, what the hell kinda name is that? That would be like bringing in the love interest, and naming her "Lizza" or "Zazla" or something equally inappropriate and random. Not. Even. Tryin.

Crapbot explains that the Pulots want to invade Earth, and blah blah etc. He further explains that Pulots happen to look exactly like humans, and that the Krellites have their own Pulot mole, who just happens to be a blond bombshell...named...Zilla.

Sigh.

So human being and U.S. military man Col. Gary Jason sides with the robot that mangled and shoddily reassembled him against the other humans. Because the robot tells him to. Just so we got that straight.

Follows a raid, some sort of plan to disarm something. The comic is quite bad, and at this point, I've frankly lost track. The proceedings are further dragged down by the dead weight of Jigsaw's dull, dull personality; in addition to being dimwitted, Jigsaw is the stiffest, most uptight stretchy guy comics have ever seen. The two space agents foil the plot and return to the ship, Jigsaw apparently content to stay in space forever:

This whole scenario is a "Everything you knew is a lie!" reveal waiting to happen, had Jigsaw been a success. I can see the grim '90s revamp now, in some might-have-been world where Jigsaw became a permanent fixture in Harvey's line. Wherein after years of blissful ignorance, Jigsaw finally figures out what a bunch of shits these robots in general, and Si-Krell in particular, are. And Zilla ends up getting "jigsawed" in some grisly fashion. Then, the bloody, teeth-gritting revenge!



But Jigsaw was not a success, lasting only two issues, another of many ill-conceived books trotted out following the mid-60's success of the BATMAN TV show, the rise of Marvel Comics, and a general superhero craze. Harvey was obviously better at Friendly Ghosts and Poor Little Rich Boys than they were at costumed champions.

Me Hated Rotten "Escape From Bizarro World"!

Goodbye, idiots! Me Bizarro Brian Hughes #1, filling in for pink, squishy me! Me read worstest comic story of year this morning in Action Comics #857 - 855 called "Escape From Bizarro World" and it were horrible piece of junk! For one thing, it starred ugly, horrifying Superman, which was bad enough! For another, it had glorious, noble Bizarro as a guest villain, which am much better! Him get new power under blue sun and bring back Bizarro World, Bizarro Lois, Bizarro JLA, and all other Bizarros. Then him kidnap Superman's Pa Kent, so him can have father too. Superman come back to save him dad, but Pa want stay and help Bizarro #1 win back love of Bizarro world people, who now hate Bizarro #1 because of Bizarro Luthor. Luthor always same, no matter where he am. A is always Z, and Luthor am always Joker, me never say. Part where Bizarros have more sense than humans and not believe what Bizarro Luthor told them were not very ironic at all.

Now, you know me hate silly old comics and love only serious, realistic ones, so it probably come as big surprise me really hate Bizarro World, even though me am, Iself, a Bizarro! Me can't help it. Me have racial identity issues. Don't sue me! Me very sure what to think when me saw the "Superman Vision" part, but me was very bored to see SuperPaKent! Didn't remind me of days in comics when literally anything could happen at all! Me also didn't think "Arkham Amusement Park" was brilliant or anything. Me thought Yellow Lantern bestest hero of all time because when battle start, him immediately fly away to join horrific army of evil. Me angriest of all to see Bizarro World back for good at end of story and restored to it's full, twisted glory after all these years. Me just hope Bizarro World get blown up for "shock value" in last few years by some excellent writer, like Geoff Johns has never done! Me thought this story by Johns and Richard Donner was no fun, slow-paced, and even a bit heartchilling. Awful drawings by Eric Powell too soft and not at all fitting for Bizarro story; should have got P. Craig Russell or Colleen Doran, instead. All in all, awful rotten stuff! Me no recommend if you like bad comics!


Hello, illiterates, real Brian no back soon!

Strange Adventures Indeed

I've been out with the flu, but I'm on the mend. Still kinda snot-packed, so in lieu of actual content, enjoy some crazy-ass old Strange Adventures covers that I found at the GCD.

Of course, I had to save the best for last:

Again With the Comics will resume normal service (whatever that is) next week. So long, suckers!