Wednesday, May 14, 2008

More Awful, Awful Iron Man Villains



I finally saw Iron Man, and yeah, it was great. I have nothing new to add to the rave reviews I've been seeing, but it was a high point in superhero film, fo' shizzle. Having seen the film, I assume that we'll get the Mandarin as the villain for the second installmen and..an...ZZZZzzzzzz....


Whuh! Sorry! I tend to doze off when discussing the Mandarin. Commentor "MrCanacorn" wants to see MODOK in the sequel, and brother, who doesn't? Maybe we'll get MODOK in the third installment, or in another Marvel movie. Anyway, we got several other great suggestions in the comments section of this post for awful Iron Man villains to appear (we hope not) in sequels. Think of them as Iron Man 7 villains, when Robert Downey Junior is long gone and we've got Ryan Seacrest as Iron Man. For example, the FREAK, SLASHER and FANGOR were also suggested:







Fangor was a stone demon summoned by a cranky old sorcerer named Mister Rasputin. The Freak was Tony Stark's friend Happy Hogan turned into a giant bald radioactive goober, and was part of a tradition of very generic Iron Man villains, as when Shellhead clashed with bald n' bland behemoths THE CRUSHER and QUASAR in issues 6 and 79. Slasher and his dalmatian spotted pal Demetrius are best left to Blockade Boy, who recently devoted an alarming amount of time to dissecting the Slasher/Demtrius "saga" panel by panel.

But that’s just the tip of the crappy villain iceberg. For all his longevity, Iron Man has a truly atrocious rogue’s gallery. His number one villain is the sleep-inducing Mandarin, followed by what, Spymaster? Crimson Dynamo maybe? Here are a few more low-lights from the Golden Avenger’s stupefyingly mediocre collection of foes:



No, this isn’t “Grraynne, the Silo That Walked Like a Man!”, but rather the DEMOLISHER, created by rival scientist Edwin Cord to improve on Iron Man. As an engineer, I feel obligated to point out that "improve" means to "make better". Not so much luck with that, then.



The UNICORN was pretty formidable, until unicorns became primarily associated with six-year-old girls. He hasn’t been seen in decades, and presumably has retired to bitter exile in a mushroom cottage in Rainbow Princess land, with his pony, Butterscotch.



That buzz-saw is actually the shape-shifting baboon member of the Super-Apes, attacking Iron Man while the super-strong gorilla and the magnetic orangutan hold him down. Is there anything about that sentence hat isn't awesome? The RED GHOST and his SUPER APES followed the Fantastic Four into space, passing through the same cosmic rays that mutated the FF. They later turned up to bedevil Iron Man, by which time Ivan Kragoff was in the full throes of Disco Fever, with his funky chest-baring silk shirt, studded belt, and outrageous golden disco medallion.

I could go on, but you get the point, I'm sure. Even Iron Man villains I like, like the Melter, the Beetle and Blizzard are generally just lightweight thugs and disgruntled inventors. I pray for MODOK leading a gang of those guys in a Marvel film, but I'm not holding my breath. They'll have to figure something out, because it looks like Iron Man will be around the theater for some time to come.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm confused. What part of Communist-controlled SUPER APES isn't awesome to you?

Chawunky said...

Unicorn has a tape measure for a head.

Brian Hughes said...

I love super apes, but I don't see them making it to celluloid. Prove me wrong, Hollywood, PROVE ME WRONG.

MrCanacorn said...

"...and presumably has retired to bitter exile in a mushroom cottage in Rainbow Princess land, with his pony, Butterscotch."


Ouch! The Unicorn hasn't taken a beating that bad in years!

What if they could get Tom Sizemore to play Tony Stark's evil cousin, Morgan Stark?! Imagine the ACTING going on in that sequel!

Jeff said...

You want "awful, awful...villains?"

Two-words: Egg-Foo!

coco67 said...

THAT'S the Disco Red Ghost I'm talkin' 'bout!!!

LurkerWithout said...

Decent Iron Man foes? Well given your strange hate for Mandarin (come on he's a descendent of Genghis Khan armed with alien power rings that turn him into a effin Beholder) you've still got Justin Hammer (though thats retreading some of the ground as Obadiah Stane), A.I.M. (with or without ol' Big-Head M.O.D.O.K.), Living Laser, Titanium Man and Crimson Dynamo don't work as well without the whole fear of Commies thing but could probably be adapted...

And of course Tony's pal, good ol' Lady Booze...

Me I'd say go for the alcoholic angle, while bringing in Hammer as gov't guy trying to swipe Iron Man for Uncle Sam. Ok, sure, they wasted Gyrich in X-Men, but you could add him here as well...

Blockade Boy said...

Update: The Unicorn still lives in Rainbow Princess land, but he's converted the mushroom cottage into a bed-and-breakfast, which he runs with his business partners, Will O' the Wisp and the Gremlin. Their rates are pretty darned reasonable, plus Will O' the Wisp will personally "tuck you in" every night!

Anonymous said...

Madame Masque? That guy without a lower jaw? Interesting that Ant / Giant Man's rogue's gallery looks sparkling compared to Iron Man's...

Anonymous said...

What?! The Mandarin, Not Awesome?! This is a guy who, to get his power rings, single-handedly defeated the defenses of an entire alien starship. USING ONLY HIS SUPER KUNG FU.

Anonymous said...

Beetle should be in one of the next ironman movies. if the take the model from the ultimate spiderman video game it would be perfect.

Anonymous said...

The Mandarin ROCKS!
One part Mad Scientist.
One part Kung Fu Grandmaster.
All Bad-Ass!