Wednesday, May 14, 2008
More Awful, Awful Iron Man Villains
I finally saw Iron Man, and yeah, it was great. I have nothing new to add to the rave reviews I've been seeing, but it was a high point in superhero film, fo' shizzle. Having seen the film, I assume that we'll get the Mandarin as the villain for the second installmen and..an...ZZZZzzzzzz....
Whuh! Sorry! I tend to doze off when discussing the Mandarin. Commentor "MrCanacorn" wants to see MODOK in the sequel, and brother, who doesn't? Maybe we'll get MODOK in the third installment, or in another Marvel movie. Anyway, we got several other great suggestions in the comments section of this post for awful Iron Man villains to appear (we hope not) in sequels. Think of them as Iron Man 7 villains, when Robert Downey Junior is long gone and we've got Ryan Seacrest as Iron Man. For example, the FREAK, SLASHER and FANGOR were also suggested:
Fangor was a stone demon summoned by a cranky old sorcerer named Mister Rasputin. The Freak was Tony Stark's friend Happy Hogan turned into a giant bald radioactive goober, and was part of a tradition of very generic Iron Man villains, as when Shellhead clashed with bald n' bland behemoths THE CRUSHER and QUASAR in issues 6 and 79. Slasher and his dalmatian spotted pal Demetrius are best left to Blockade Boy, who recently devoted an alarming amount of time to dissecting the Slasher/Demtrius "saga" panel by panel.
But that’s just the tip of the crappy villain iceberg. For all his longevity, Iron Man has a truly atrocious rogue’s gallery. His number one villain is the sleep-inducing Mandarin, followed by what, Spymaster? Crimson Dynamo maybe? Here are a few more low-lights from the Golden Avenger’s stupefyingly mediocre collection of foes:
No, this isn’t “Grraynne, the Silo That Walked Like a Man!”, but rather the DEMOLISHER, created by rival scientist Edwin Cord to improve on Iron Man. As an engineer, I feel obligated to point out that "improve" means to "make better". Not so much luck with that, then.
The UNICORN was pretty formidable, until unicorns became primarily associated with six-year-old girls. He hasn’t been seen in decades, and presumably has retired to bitter exile in a mushroom cottage in Rainbow Princess land, with his pony, Butterscotch.
That buzz-saw is actually the shape-shifting baboon member of the Super-Apes, attacking Iron Man while the super-strong gorilla and the magnetic orangutan hold him down. Is there anything about that sentence hat isn't awesome? The RED GHOST and his SUPER APES followed the Fantastic Four into space, passing through the same cosmic rays that mutated the FF. They later turned up to bedevil Iron Man, by which time Ivan Kragoff was in the full throes of Disco Fever, with his funky chest-baring silk shirt, studded belt, and outrageous golden disco medallion.
I could go on, but you get the point, I'm sure. Even Iron Man villains I like, like the Melter, the Beetle and Blizzard are generally just lightweight thugs and disgruntled inventors. I pray for MODOK leading a gang of those guys in a Marvel film, but I'm not holding my breath. They'll have to figure something out, because it looks like Iron Man will be around the theater for some time to come.