Monday, August 04, 2008

An Open Letter from The Web to J. Michael Straczynski

Dear J. Michael Straczynski:
I, the Mighty Web, wanted to take a moment to introduce myself and express my excitement about our upcoming work together in the pages of the Brave and the Bold. I especially hope to work with you, given what a huge fan of "Stargate: SG-1" I am. It's been a long time since I worked, let alone with a professional of your stature in our industry, and I just wanted to assure you that despite any rumors you may have heard, I am 100% clean, sober, and ready for work.

I am aware, of course, that you haven't made your final choices on which of us "Archie Heroes" you plan to use, but if you do happen to use me, I want you to know I am completely on board with whatever changes and updates you may need to make with my back-story. I mean, I'm just spitballing here, but you could flesh out my origins, give me some powers, introduce a new villain, or even brutally murder my horrible, horrible shrew of a wife.

You may worry due to the fact that I am a married superhero, and you just got out of a bad relationship with a web-covered married man, but ever since my campy 60's revival as a henpecked superhero flopped, I've barely worked. Understand, Rosie was okay with the Web when he rescued her from the Black Dragon of Death, and she sure seemed okay with him when we fornicated that night. Marriage ended all that though, and soon she was emasculating me around the clock. We've actually been separated for years, but she wont grant me a divorce, so her credit problems are my credit problems, yet she CAN go out and publish a tell-all autobiography bashing me, and I can't do anything about it, because we're married! I mean what the FUCK, am I right? Do you have any idea how many times a day I'm asked to sign a copy of I Married a Super-Zero?

The last time I worked, I showed up to join the Red Circle version of the Mighty Crusaders, but when they asked me my name, I panicked and mumbled something about being the SON of John Raymond, so it was awkward for all of us when the girdle finally popped open.

I'm sorry, Mister Strazazcski, I may be revealing too much, but I want to make sure you understand how very, very open I am to talks of a storyline where I come home to find her hanging from her neck by her intestines, with blood pouring...

What I mean to say, Mister Stransydzki, is that every truly classic superhero needs to suffer a traumatic loss to be truly forged in the waters of super-herodom, and a traumatic loss may be necessary to sell The Web in this new, Segway-powered age. And if so, I stand fully prepared to discover Rosie's dismembered carcass stuffed hilariously in the refrigerator, wreak brutal vengeance on her killer (or killers and/or rapist/s), then move on with noble clarity into a new, unmarried superhero career. I'm sure you are well aware, sir of the current gory environment in the DC Universe, and I'm sure that you'll be aware that a hero might have to suffer the sudden and violent decapitation of a loved one just to make a mark in this new, violent and densely inhabited world. Should you need any further incentive, sir, please consider the $87 stapled to this letter to be that incentive.

In conclusion, if there's some way you can feed my mother-in-law into a woodchipper, it would be that much more poingnant, and I have a jar full of change on my dresser that is all yours....

Regards, The Web

The above piece does not reflect the views of the management, who loves his wife and her mom.
Thanks to Blockade Boy, from whom I liberated some of these panels.
Related Article: The Worst Spider-Marriage in Comics

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Web --

Thank you for your letter. As it happens, we have just finished casting for the part of the Web in the upcoming DC Comics series. Though your credentials are impressive, and your work experience in prior performances is salutory, it came down to a matter of looking at the part to see who could bring something fresh and new to the role.

So we're afraid we have already cast the role with another performer.

We know this may be unfortunate news, but we genuinely believe that your wife will do a terrific job in the role. She said you wouldn't mind, and asked us to give you her regards, and remind you that the laundry needs to be picked up by four o'clock.

Sincerely yours,

J. Michael Straczynski