Friday, August 15, 2008

Triple-A Baseball Heroes and Two Triple-A Baseball Murdererous Lunatics

My son got this copy of Triple-A Baseball Heroes at the Colorado Springs Sky Sox game last Friday, and I thought I'd share the some of the All-American Baseball fun. I want to warn you that as glorious as the sight of Doctor Doom, Magneto and the Green Goblin quailing in terror before an advancing hoard of Baseball Mascots may appear, this scene does not actually happen in this issue. As much as we may want to see the Incredible Hulk side-by-side with Sox the Fox, that doesn't happen either, as the inside of the comic is mascot-free. You do get lots and lots of Mole Man though, for what that's worth. Triple-A Baseball Heroes pretty awful, actually, as most promotional comics tend to be, but this one in particular rankles for reasons I will explicate shortly.

That's Tony (Iron Man) Stark, Reed (Mister Fantastic) Richards, and Carol (Ms. Marvel) Danvers in Kentucky, watching a "Louisville Bats" game. Reed is apparently a huge AAA Baseball fan, as he demonstrates by stretching out to snatch the ball out of the air mid-play. I'm not actually a big baseball fan, but doesn't that, like, screw up the game somehow? Of course, being Reed Richards, he can't do this without a prolonged speech about how he calculated the balls trajectory by weighing the variables and blah-de-blah. He escapes a beating by irate drunks when Fin Fang Foom bursts up from the ground with a bunch of Moloids to tear up the place. The superheroes had been tracking a series of attacks on Triple-A ballparks, and were at the game awaiting Mole Man's latest attack:

Promotional comics are great, because you get to see your favorite characters suddenly get completley obsessed with How Tires are Made, or the Coca-Cola bottling process, or...Minor League Baseball in this case. So as the story goes on, Iron Man rallies the Marvel Superheroes throughout the Minor League ballparks to protect them from Mole-minions and Kirby Monsters:

Durham gets Doctor Strange, Buffalo get the X-Men, Indianapolis gets the Silver Surfer, and Memphis gets Spider-Man and the Hulk. And what does my hometown get? Who comes to protect Colorado Springs and the Sky Sox? Lets take a closer look:

Great. Colorado Springs gets Bullseye and Venom to the rescue. Let that soak in for as moment.

And Bullseye.

I'd much rather take my chance with the Moloids, actually. I'd rather dodge Taboo or Googam, son of Goom than worry about Venom getting hungry or Bullseye getting bored. I feel like Charlire Brown on Halloween with his rock, here.

It does make sense that the Thunderbolts would show up, given their Denver locale in the regular Marvel Universe, but there was no particular effort to match up any of the other superheroes with their regular stomping grounds, unless Wolverine is moving to Syracuse. I'm pretty sue Colorado Springs would really rather have Venom OR Bullseye teamed with Spider-Man OR the Hulk, and freakin' Memphis can have the other guy and the other guy. We'd even take Gambit. Just some advice for the next time you're planning to send bloodthirsty killers to my hometown, Mister Stark.

Then it all turns out that Mole Man just wanted to start a Monster Island expansion team, but rejected, he attacked the ballparks instead. Mister Fantastic tells the Mole Man that "you don't have to own a team to enjoy a Triple-A Baseball - everyone can join in the fun! You know, like all those people at the baseball games you attacked were doing, before you showed up." Well, the story ends with the Mole Man and the Fantastic Four all enjoying the Bricktown Showdown.

Then, Galactus ate the Earth. The end.



coco67 said...

I sooo want a Monster Isle Jersey!

Jason said...

I just spent the evening enjoying some minor league baseball, and really, I think the Joliet Jackhammers could use some Moloids to shore up their relief pitching.

That said, man, y'all got shafted there in Colorado. I mean .... really, you know the artist had to have shoved that one in there as a joke.

Paul said...

I like that fact that they have Iceman in Tuscon!:) Good to see that my Mud Hens have Spider-Woman at their park!

Mike at MHH said...

Looks like my beloved Bricktown wasn't even worth the effort!

Brian Hughes said...

Not so, Mike. The whole comic ended up being a plug for the Bricktown Showdown on ESPN on September 16th. The Hulk even ends up playing for an unspecified team at the Showdown, (since they didnt know who was gonna be playin yet), insisting he be paid in hot dogs.