Friday, January 09, 2009

INSIPID TALES



AAHHH HEE HEE HEE HEEE !!!

Welcome, Fear-feinters! Come in from the cold, my friends! Don't be afraid...YET! Well, at all really.

I'm your host, the Old County Clerk and Recorder..KEEPER! Our community doesn't employ a crypt-keeper as such, and all of our graves are dug with back-hoes operated by city employees, but those employees are under my direct supervision! A-HEE HEE HEE!!!

I'm getting off the subject.

AH HEE HEE HEE!! Prepare to be emotionally unaffected, as I present to you three torpid tales of inanity! First, you'll never look at the Franklin Mint in the same way again,after you read:

HOW IRONIC. He smashed up all of his furniture but somehow missed the tiny porcelain man and his tiny porcelain wife, then they came to life somehow and beat him half to death. It just goes to show, smash the smallest, most helpless stuff first.
(EDIT 1/14/09 -Craven commenter RAB points out that this story isn't quite as insipid as I make it out to be in the comments section!)

The next entry in my Ledger of Lameness concerns a little boy, a dog whistle, and complete and utter pointlessness.


Uneventful, wasn't it kiddies? There's one story that truly... BLOWS. AHEE HEE HEE!


Finally, a sluggish saga of how one man's search for immortality, coupled with his woeful inattention to detail leads to insipid results:

Ahee hee hee! Should have asked for a drivers license, buddy! That's all for now, dread-dodgers, time for the the Old County Clerk and Recorder to crawl back into the tomb. I'm just going to need you to sign here... And here. And here. Then initial here by the "X"es....



"Lord Rampion's Rampage" from Tense Suspense #1, 1958 By Al Fago (Studio)
"Dog Whistle" from Out of this World #8, 1958 by Dick Malm
"To Live Forever" from Out of this World #10, 1958 by Paul Reinman

5 comments:

Harvey Jerkwater said...

Best of all is how each one carries an EC-horror style moral.

Lord Rampion's Rages teaches us that jagweeds can be made virtuous by the application of a vicious beating.

Dog Whistle teaches us that tiny aliens made out of cactus have ultrasonic hearing.

And To Live Forever teaches us that wealthy Englishmen are a bunch of stupid bitches with receding hairlines.

Let us reflect upon these bits of wisdom.

Sea_of_Green said...

Oh ... my. Those are definitely ... er ... INTERESTING.

Glad I don't own a dog whistle!

RAB said...

Sorry I'm late to this, but traffic was terrible.

Anyway, one quibble. The plot of "Lord Rampion's Rages" is not what you said. Lord Rampion in fact smashes the tiny porcelain wife, at which point we are meant to understand her tiny porcelain husband takes offense, comes to life, and beats Lord Rampion savagely. A chastened Lord Rampion has his servant repair the porcelain wife so that her husband will be happy and stop with the hitting and the beating and the pounding.

Brian Hughes said...

Oh for...!

SIGH.
Nice dot-connecting RAB, apparently, I needed it!

Kid Kyoto said...

WONDERFUL! I'm reminded of the story from Alan Moore's Tomorrow Stories where the hero discovers...

Wow, old comics suck!