FAIR WARNING: Possibly NSFW, Definitely Not Safe For SANITY.
I'm sending you this letter because I know what a sensitive boy you are and I don't want to frighten you in person. I know you're still shaken after finding me and J.Jonah Jameson Senior "getting it on" recently, but surely you knew that your Aunt May is a grown woman with needs and desires of her own, didn't you dear?
Why, I've always been a randy old girl, Peter. When I wasn't making you Wheat cakes, I was makin' bacon with your Uncle Ben, Lord rest his soul. After Ben passed, I thought nothing would fill the void so to speak, until I met dear, dear Willie Lumpkin. Oh, I don't think you knew about my first torrid affair with Dear Willie. It was about three weeks after we buried Ben, and I met him right after he applied for Fantastic Four membership.
Oh, that ear-wiggling devil sweet talked me right into his mail sack! And let me tell you, Peter dear, those ears aren't the only part that wiggles! ;-) You're a grown man now Peter, and you're old enough to know that Doctor Octopus, Nathan Lubensky, Willie Lumpkin (the third time) and that well-endowed but nonetheless horrible creature who was posing as that nice Mister Jarvis were just the tip the May Parker sexberg.
Yes, my dear Peter, that first torrid, sweaty affair with Willy was the first of many, many many, secret sexcapades you were never privy to! This might be a good time to take a break, drink a peptic bromide and settle your nerves, dear.
I hope you feel better Peter, and realize I am only telling you this out of love. As I was saying, in some ways, I dealt with Ben's death by taking many lovers into my boudoir, including the Vulture, the Tinkerer, the Ancient One, Captain Stacy, Anna Watson, the Real Jarvis, Baron Mordo, that nice Mister Robertson, Nick Fury AND Dum-Dum Dugan, Agatha Harkness, and oh, so many others!
Unfortunately, in my passion, I often forgot about my weak heart, hence all the heart attacks I've had over the years. Yes, my nephew, I'm sorry to tell that my poor health was mostly my own fault, what with all the wild boning and screwing. I certainly hope that was never too much of an inconvenience for you!
My physical health has improved over the years, but now my memory is getting unreliable. I keep trying to remember why I was living in Avengers Tower. Did I move in with Edwin? But why were you and Mary Jane also living there? Oh yes, I remember now! You were posing as Spider-Man! Why did you do that, Peter? That was so dangerous for all of us, it finally ended my sex life for good. Well except for Jarvis, of course. Then HE ended up being some sort of monster from space. After that, there's so much I cannot remember, but all I know is that I want to slow down and marry the best man I've known since Ben.
Peter Parker, I am going to marry J. Jonah Jameson Senior. I'm going to settle down with one wonderful man who loves the real me, and yet is still very flexible and up for some light bondage. There's just one last conquest I want to make, before I put my swinging days behind me forever. I've had my eye on one elusive young man for quite some time, and I think you might be able to introduce us, if it doesn't make you too uncomfortable. Peter, could you possibly introduce me to that hunky young Spider-Man? There's a stack of wheat cakes in it for you!
With Love - Aunt May