Monday, June 29, 2009
Torpid Tales of Tomorrow
Greetings, organic ones, I am HUGO, and I've been programmed to be your robo-host for tonights trio of FUTURISTIC FAIL TALES. You may remember me from my appearance in "The Perfect Servant", and...What? N..Noo I'm not crying. Its just that I was running errands for Professor Tompkins earlier today, and there was this awful woman at the patent office, then the girl at Arby's got the Professor's order all wrong and it was just awful... ANYway...
SCIENCE! TIME! STUPIDITY! Three dangerous primal elements that mankind toys with at its peril! Witness a future where science is so advanced that time travel is common! So common in fact, that common, stupid children are allowed access to its wonders!! It's fucked-upper than a soup sandwich! It's a PLANETARY ERROR!!
Smooth move, Space-Lax. Of course, the School District bears some responsibility too, I suppose. To quote Seymour Skinner, "God bless the man who invented permission slips". Paular-Nine went on to fade from view, his existence having been negated by his own actions!
Next, They thought him mad, but Karl Crowder knew the secrets of the fleas, and therefore, the secrets of...the TINY WORLD:
Okay, I'm sorry, but that just does not compute. It's too bad that Flea circus owners exert such a stranglehold on the scientific community. OH WAIT, THEY DON'T. My goodness, this is a motley assortment of stories isn't it? I need more robo-hooch to keep this up, if Professor Tompkins BITCH SISTER din't hide it again!
DOOK DOOK DOOK... Much better!
Finally, we enter a DOORWAY TO THE FUTURE...and boredom!
Beware mysterious doors, reader, for they might lead to tedious paperwork...IN THE FUTURE!
Well, my diodes are cracked. I have to be going anyway, to get Professor Tompkin's dinner in the oven, that is if his BITCH SISTER doesn't try to have me deprogrammed again! Er, that is...BLAST OFF, space cadets!
"Planetary Error" published in Marvel Boy #2, 1951
"The Tiny World" published in Mysteries of Unexplored Worlds #2, 1957
"Doorway to the Future" published in Frankenstein Comics #33, 1954
Creators unknown in all cases.