Thursday, November 05, 2009
Newspaper Comic Strip Spider-Man is the Worst Spider-Man of All.
Of all the different versions of Spider-Man available, surely Newspaper Comic Strip Spider-Man is the worst. I mean, I love Stan Lee, and I'm glad his brother is getting work, I guess, but man this thing is a dog. I'm not the first person to notice this, but the Peter Parker we see in the newspaper is a more annoying prick than regular Spidey by far. For one thing, he spends entire story arcs trying to defraud his employers while tricking ex-cons back into crime:
Newspaper Comic Strip Spider-Man is pretty dull-witted. He's constantly blundering into situations where he compromises his secret identity, usually because he's distracted by his own internal whining and fretting about how awful it would be if anyone ever found out he was Spider-Man!
His Spider-sense doesn't seem to work too good either. Note that it works great when it looks like someone might suspect his precious secret identity:
But not so much when it comes to pipes, bricks, tigers, and, oh, being pistol-whipped! When it comes to blunt head trauma, Hal Jordan has nothing on Newspaper Comic Strip Spider-Man.
But don't worry about Newspaper Comic Strip Spider-Man. He'll get his rest, the lazy bastard. He spends as much time sleeping, or falling asleep, or having entire months-long dream sequences as he does fighting super-villains:
On those occasions he does haul his ass out of bed, you'd think it would be all web-swinging action, right? Not so fast, kid. Newspaper Comic Strip Spider-Man is just as likely to hang around in his striped jammies all day: