Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Five Profoundly Disturbing Hostess Ads

Hostess Snack cake ads. A beloved relic of comics ephemera from yesteryear. Goofy, innocent and completely harmless, right? WRONG. For they were written by men, and within all men lurks madness. Bite into a cream-filled treat...of despair, as you learn the truth about these truly, Profoundly, Disturbing Hostess Ads!

Iron Man looks into the abyss, and Twinkies look back.
Existential despair blankets the city, as Kwirkegard poisons the water with the truth: that existence is pointless, life is meaningless, and that all mankind's struggles mean nothing. What's the point of even finishing this paragraph? Is it supposed to be "funny"? Hah. Foolishness for fools. Nothing can fill the emptiness...within.

Nothing but golden sponge cake and creamed filling, that is! Life may be a hollow, empty sham, but at least you get a big delight in every bite of Hostess Twinkie Cakes!

There's nothing depressing per se about this Wonder Woman ad, except the depressing certainty that, like all vintage Wonder Woman comics, it will be absolutely crazy-ape bonkers. Originally seen in 1977, this  ham-handed homage to  the then-36-year-old film The Maltese Falcon was largely lost on the kids of the day. It reads like the writer had the script for a rejected Falcon spoof in his drawer that he hastily reworked into a Wonder Woman cupcake ad at 12:30 AM one bleary, deadline-driven night. Given the rambling, recklessly punctuated dialog, it's entirely possible that said writer might well have been coked out of his fucking gourd, too. Anyway, I find the whole thing strange, seedy, and damned disturbing.

Hostess Cupcakes: Even better than rape!

Speaking of rape, I'm not sure what these nasty little green men mean by "uplift", but I almost hope they only want to eat these two humans, and not, er, "sample" their Earthly Delights. Whatever their sick intentions, the ever-lovin' Blue-eyed Thing shows up to placate them with fruit pies, an event that happens on a nigh-daily basis in Hostess world, but never with implied human-eating or "delights". Until now.

Finally, the Hulk vs the Roller Disco Devils, or more accurately slaughters the Roller Disco Devils. The entirely human Devils are apparently beyond the control of any civil authority with their roller skating and Disco listening-to, and it falls to the Hulk to restore the children's access to the Hostess Fruit Pies the only way he knows how: by brutally murdering eight human beings in the most gruesome manner possible. New digital technology allows us to zero in on old comic book panels to see heretofore unrevealed details in the art. Lets zoom in on panel four to see what Hulk is really doing:


Good Lord...>choke<
That's profoundly disturbing.


Rol said...

Excellent. I was reminiscing about the Twinkie ads only yesterday. Great to see the Miller one too.

Ralph said...

We need a Mighty Marvel Hostess Twinkie Omnibus or a set of Delicious DC Twinkie Archives post haste!

Phillyradiogeek said...

"Hostess Cupcakes: Even Better Than Rape!"

That should be their new slogan!

Sleestak said...

Not to mention that Iron Man hitting someone with his armored fist hard enough to throw a guy into the air 6 feet would make his head go all splooey.

(Authentocation word was "morte")

Mikael said...

You should check out Seanbabys' Hostess-page. He has an excellent collection of Hostess- and Twinkie-ads:

Sea-of-Green said...

The Hulk was in the right! DEATH TO ROLLER DISCO HOOLIGANS!

I kid, of course. ;-)

Doc said...

That roller disco roll is amazing, lol. I never 'read' the Hostess Twinkie ads the first time round. I'm currently re-reading Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes and taking the time to read the Hostess ads now!

Brad said...

Looks like the blood on the Hulk ad was added later on.